Bedtime Anxiety in Children
In the article “How to Help Children and Teens through Anxiety at Bedtime,” author Karen Young denotes that bedtime can be an anxious time for some children and teens. Although sleep helps the brain process the day’s work, it can also enhance anxiety. In detail, the amygdala, the part of the brain that controls one’s fears and emotions, is sensitive when it comes to sleeping. When the brain is tired, it no longer has enough resources to filter anxiety and may misinterpret experiences as threats. This means that the brain will employ the fight or flight response to “protect” the person, even when the threat is not real or present and the child will feel more uncomfortable and nervous. Lack of sleep and lack of internal resources can make anxiety worse, which in turn will make sleep for the next night tougher.
During this time, it is important that you, as a parent, can support your child emotionally and physically. Even the separation from a parent at night can be nerve racking for a child. Fears may also be triggered from the past. Children then turn these fears into monsters under the bed, something that gives the fear a voice. It's crucial to remember that the feelings are always real and always allowed, even when the content or the “story” of the fears are not real. Validating, listening, and providing support are the ideal steps for parents to make in this situation. For example, acknowledging and validating their fear (“It sounds so scary”) and then providing the support by letting them know you are there to keep them safe and you trust that they are safe (“I am here to keep you safe and our house is very safe”).
We as humans like to make up stories to provide meaning for a situation. The same thing happens with fears. In order to make sense of our feelings, we make up a story as to why we are fearful, sometimes they’re accurate, sometimes they are not. Harvard researchers found that “the content of a dream can be changed by [simply] talking about that dream just before bedtime” (Young). Talking about the dreams they would like to have can make all the difference without even knowing it. Talking about their fears and worries are also helpful.
Young also mentioned that sometimes children may just feel nervous and scared, instead of knowing why they feel that way. Anxiety may not present itself as an observable emotion, such as anger or aggression, it may just be a feeling of being unsafe. Some children may become controlling or demanding at bedtime. In actuality, this isn’t about them trying to be difficult, it’s about trying to control the environment so they can feel safe. They are unaware that being controlling is them being anxious. There are two problems that can arise because of this:
It becomes difficult to relax when trying lead and manage their environment that they do not actually have control over.
Children may not be the best leaders, especially when they’re tired.
All children care about is feeling safe. We can help them by:
Setting boundaries, consistently and lovingly (the lights will be turned off in 5 minutes, when the long hand gets to the 6)
Validating their feelings (I see that you feel ___, I would feel that way too)
Providing them with the fantasy-based wants or stories (I really wish we could play all night long together)
Connect and provide them with a choice they can manage (Do you want 1 story and a song; or 2 stories?)
The first step in re-associating the brain with bedtime is teaching the brain that bedtime is safe. You can have a conversation with them to see if it makes them feel better if you stay with them for a little while before they fall asleep. Reading a book together, talking about your day and the shared experiences, and letting the child have something of yours (a shirt, pillowcase, small and safe toy) can all be helpful in fostering and focusing on the connection. This connection strengthens the feeling of safety. Slowly, you can increase their independence and decrease the time spent at bedtime to the point that you are only in the room for five minutes. It is important to focus on the process of feeling safe rather than the outcome, and know that little by little, the feeling is growing.
Sleep is the necessary for the brain to relax, process the day’s events and store learned information. It is difficult for children to do so if they feel unsafe, simply focusing on the emotion and building on the connection between you and your child can make them feel the more at ease and therefore will sleep better at bedtime. For more information on child or teen anxiety and parenting, please visit Hilber Psychological Services.
Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD
Reference
Young, Karen. “How to Help Children and Teens Through Anxiety at Bedtime.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-at-bedtime/