Author Karen Young, from Hey Sigmund, denotes that anxiety is a learned habit, as long as you give in to it, it will never subside but if you break it down and analyze it, you will see all the components that are possible to fix.

Not only do children learn from experience, but so does the amygdala. This part of the brain, that’s responsible for anxiety, can recognize a trigger as a threat and associate it with anxiety. Once the child is triggered, the anxiety typically gets worse before it gets better in an attempt to avoid the “threat”. As a parent, it is your job to help your child from recognizing school as a threat. Now I know this is easier said than done, but it is possible. The difficult part is getting the brain to learn that it can feel calm and safe without avoiding school. When children go back to school, whether that is in person or through distance learning, they are separated from the only thing they know that will keep them safe, a parent. It is important to remind them that you will be right there waiting for them at school or after their virtual lessons.

Below are some strategies Young suggested easing the level of anxiety that children and teens may experience when they go back to school:

• Try to avoid avoidance, take it off the table: As long as you do not give your child an option to avoid school, they will have to learn how to be brave and resilient faster. Their reward is seeing you after school. Practicing attending in person or online will help them to move away from avoidance behaviors and fight the anxiety.  

• Protecting them is understandable but not a permanent solution: Remember that school may also trigger anxious thoughts, feelings, maybe a sick tummy, and an increased heart rate. As a parent, it is your first instinct to protect them from ever having to ever experience these emotions again. However, protecting them also never allows them to feel the weight of these emotions, or to give them the practice necessary in managing and decreasing their anxiety. In the future, they could turn to avoidance instead of persevering through their hardships. Instead, little by little, you can re-associate their feelings of anxiety with positivity and teach them how to be brave now.

• Help them feel safe, even when they aren’t with you: First validate their feelings, that it is understandable to feel scared. Let them know that anxiety is not a weakness, it is an emotion that everyone has, so it is okay to feel. Their brain may register this as a threat but this is when you, as a parent, step in and reassure them to look at the aspects they can control. Even when you aren’t there next to their side, they can feel safe because they set their situation up for success.

• Ease the relationship between them and their teacher: In order to make their relationship stronger, ensure that your child’s teacher is putting in the time to check in on your child and getting to know them by having a conversation with their teacher. By doing so, your child will see that it is safe to have a conversation with more and more adults because they feel safe with them. All it takes is a little interest and a caring attitude to make someone feel more welcomed. Distance learning can make this a little more challenging, but many teachers have been able to create ways to connect with children appropriately.

• Remember, your tone matters: A warm, loving, empathetic tone goes a lot farther than a harsh, low monotone voice. Your child will register this tone as a threat and view it as a punishment. Instead, reinforce your child’s actions by first expressing that you still love them, but that their actions were not the greatest choice. Your child will see that you truly are trying to take an interest in their well-being.

• Let them know they will be taken care of: Going back to school and getting back into the groove of things is always difficult, no matter the age. Young recommends to “validate how hard it is, and reaffirm that you know they will be taken care of at school” by acknowledging their feelings. Remember, they don’t need to agree with you, just be willing to try.  Distance learning or Virtual learning can help this transition and interrupt the anxiety “flow” and provide more opportunities to check in and reconnect with children.

• Sometimes all you can do is go with the flow: If your child feels overwhelmed, which is easy to understand, let them take a moment to take a step back and breathe for a second, whether this is going out for a walk or getting some food into their system. Let them know that you have been there too and you see them and that you know they can get through this    (Young). This takes patience and practice, because their brain won’t catch on right away, only until they know they can return to the present in a calm state of mind based on experience. 

Their sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety is not a permanent behavior. Even though it may be hard to do so now, slightly push them out of their safe bubble from being home all summer towards brave behavior.  They may not know it now, but they can persevere and have courage to get through the hard things that school brings, you may just have to believe it for the both of you for a little until then.

For more information on how we can help your child and family cope with going back to school during the COVID-19 pandemic, please contact us. For more information on therapy, visit our website at Hilber Psychological Services. To learn how we can help you and your children with Anxiety, please contact us. HPS is available and open for Telehealth Video Visits and In-person sessions.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD.

References:

Young, Karen. “How to Manage Back-to-School Anxiety – What Children and Teens Need From Us.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-manage-back-to-school-anxiety-what-children-and-teens-need-from-us/