In the article “Anxiety or Aggression? When Anxiety in Children Looks Like Anger, Tantrums, or Meltdowns,” author Karen Young denotes that children have tantrums not because they want to, but because something in their environment is making them anxious.

Kids may consider the simplest things as a threat, such as a test, a teacher coming over to talk to them, or even them being late to something and worrying about the repercussions of being late. Young notes that “for kids with anxiety, any situation that is new, unfamiliar, difficult or stressful counts as a potential threat.” With this realization of a potential threat, our amygdala, a structure of our brain that controls our emotions, goes into high alert to either fight or flight. When it senses a threat, it floods our bodies with hormones and adrenaline to make the body react faster and stronger (Young). This causes our emotions to turn on and tears to be drawn.

The buildup of this anxiety is very difficult for children to control on their own. It is then where parents should step in and ask their child if they need to talk. For most children, it is very difficult to open up right away, but through consistent connection, parents can slowly peel back the layers. The goal of talking with your child is to help them understand why they are getting anxious and how to identify the signs of anxiety in order to later stop the response.

According to the Healthline some signs of anxiety are:

• Excessive worrying

• Feeling agitated

• Restlessness

• Fatigue

• Difficulty concentrating

• Irritability

• Tense muscles

• Trouble falling or staying asleep

• Difficulty breathing

• Avoiding social situations

• Irrational fears or worries

Young states some ways that parents can help assist their children to relax their brain and understand their anxiety include the following tools.

Explain where anxiety comes from

Anxiety can come from anything, anywhere, but it is how you cope or deal with it that will determine how long this anxiety will occur. It helps to list out the events or people in your child’s life that may be causing your child stress, anxiety, or anger. From there, you and your child can break down the scenario and regulate the instances your child interacts with this person or does an activity. Anything that is causing your child to be stressed should be looked into depth because although your child may not be physically showing their anxiety, their mental health is being strained.

Breathe

Deep breaths help you relax and regain control of the present situation whether or not you are having an anxiety attack or just need to slow down. It is always okay to take a second and get yourself together. As parents, it is important to encourage your children to take a few deep breathes when they are feeling stressed. This way they can check themselves and relax for a second before they go again. Kids these days are really anxious about getting their work done on time and especially without mistakes. It is necessary to let your child know that it is okay to make mistakes: mistakes are how we learn. Practice your breathing and practice making mistakes and learning how to fix them because both are okay to do.

Have your Powerful thoughts ready

Have your powerful thoughts ready in the sense that when you think that you or your child is going to be angry or upset, have in mind what you are going to say to yourself to calm yourself down and to keep yourself motivated to keep going.

For example, Young says to say ‘It’s okay warrior dude. We’re all good here. You can relax. There’s nothing that can hurt us here.’ Then, keep practicing your strong brave thoughts until they become automatic, which they will.’

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about stepping back and looking at yourself from an outside perspective and seeing your feelings come and go without any judgment what so ever. Do you see yourself tensing up? Do you see yourself getting short of breathe? Do you see yourself getting anxious? If so, take a moment to yourself and just breathe. Stay mindful of what is in the present rather than what will happen in the future. Young states that “mindfulness for children generally works best [if] it’s kept to about five minutes or less but let them keep going for as long as they want to.” Here are some fun ways to practice mindfulness with kids.

Name it to tame it

Acknowledge your emotions in order to figure out how to control them. Young declares that if you can see that your child is getting angry or is feeling a certain way, you should act on it:

‘I can see that you’re really angry right now.’ ‘It has really upset you that you weren’t allowed to run through the supermarket. I get that. It’s hard having to be still sometimes isn’t it.’

“Hearing the words that fit with their feelings will help to strengthen the connection between the right and left sides of their brain” (Young) along with your parent-child bond because your child knows that you understand how they are feeling and are noticing it too and want to help.

Lift them up

When kids are down on themselves for doing something wrong or throwing tantrums, lift them up and tell them it is okay not to be perfect all the time, teach them to focus on the good and what they are doing right, encourage them to be nicer to themselves. Here are some common ones that come with anxiety.

If you find that your child is getting anxious or anger easily, sit down with them and talk about what may be causing these emotions to occur. If you find the root of it, then they will more likely to find a better response because they understand why this is happening to them and they can work on changing it.

Young identifies that “as adults, it is critical to be open to the possibility that beneath an aggressive, disruptive child, is an anxious one looking for security and comfort.”

For more information on how Hilber Psychological Services can help you with understanding and assisting your children or teens with anxiety, worries, or parenting, please contact us.

- Written by Lily Schmitt and Tanya L. Hilber, PsyD

References

Julson, Erica.”11 Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders.” Healthline. 10, April 2018. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/anxiety-disorder-symptoms#section6

Young, Karen. “Anxiety or Aggression? When Anxiety in Children Looks Like Anger, Tantrums, or Meltdowns.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-or-aggression-children/

Young, Karen. “Mindfulness for Children: Fun, Effective Ways to Strengthen Mind, Body, Spirit.” Hey Sigmund. https://www.heysigmund.com/mindfulness-for-children-fun-effective-ways-to-strengthen-mind-body-spirit/